Coming Out

Most gay people have not been out (publicly gay) their entire lives. I haven’t met many openly gay 9 year-olds. This is not to say there aren’t any gay 9 year-olds; I think there absolutely are. I think they are either not ready to disclose their homosexuality or they may not even be aware of it yet.

I have always known I was gay, as far back as I can remember. I may not have understood it in those terms or known exactly what it meant, but I knew I liked girls and I wasn’t supposed to. I’ve met others that didn’t become aware of their same-sex attraction until much later in life. Some don’t realize it until after they get married and have children. Either way, there is often (not always) a point when a gay person decides to make their homosexuality somewhat public. This is what it means to “come out of the closet."

I have yet to meet a homosexual that doesn’t remember the first person they told they were gay. It is a major life event that can conjure up a range of emotions: fear, excitement, joy, frustration, confusion, terror, exhilaration… the list goes on and on. Coming out is hard, admittedly not for everyone, but for most. I think many people that aren’t close to a gay person may not realize that. It is a difficult, significant, scary, enormous, life altering declaration for so many.

There are also people that know they are gay, but choose not to be out. They have decided it would be “easier” to just live the straight life because of the upheaval coming out would cause or they don’t want to deal with the struggles that can come with being openly gay. They stay in the closet. Can you imagine what that must feel like? To know you are gay, but you feel as though you have to hide it and repress it.


…to those still in the closet:

It shouldn’t come as any surprise that I would encourage you to come out. While I know it can be extremely difficult for a plethora of reasons, I think we do ourselves and others a great disservice be not being who we really are, in any and every aspect of life, sexuality or otherwise. I do realize that every situation is unique and sometimes, we can’t just be who we really are for one reason or another. For you, I empathize. I hope you can eventually get to a place where you feel comfortable and safe enough to take that first step. It may not seem like it, and it may take a while, but it will get better and easier.


…to those who know someone (or think they know someone) still in the closet:

It is neither your place nor your responsibility to out anyone. If someone wants to stay in the closet, that’s their prerogative. While you feel it might help them to talk about it, they may not want or be ready to. Just keep an open mind, be supportive, and let that person know you will be there for them.

Don't Talk to Strangers... About Their Sexual Preference

The other night, I went out with some lesbian friends to a straight bar in downtown Salt Lake City. Karaoke was in full swing and the place was pretty packed. I was in mid-conversation with one of my friends when a short, muscley man barged in and interrupted without apology. He threw his arm around my shoulder as though we were old college buddies and proceeded to tell me how he didn’t have a problem that I was gay. He asked if the girl I was talking to was my girlfriend, to which I answered, no. He slurred, “Hey, its okay! I really don’t care. I have no problem with it at all. I think you should just do what you want and that’s fine with me!” Thanks, buddy. I’m glad I have your stamp of approval.

What if I walked up to someone and said, “Hey, I’m totally cool with the fact that you’re Asian. I actually really like Asian people. I lived next door to an Asian kid when I was 6, so I am A-OK with Asians!” I’d probably get a death look or a punch in the face.

About an hour after my new, gay-friendly, muscley buddy went on his way, another dude approached that also felt the need to express his approval of our lifestyle. He rambled on about how women are beautiful and he couldn’t blame us for being attracted to them. Was this a crazy coincidence? Two lesbian-loving men in the same bar… on the same night? Hardly. These kinds of things actually happen quite often.

On numerous occasions when I was out and about in the Phoenix area with my then girlfriend, we would have random men approach us and ask all kinds of totally inappropriate questions: Are we really lesbians or are we just pretending? Could they take a picture of us or with us? Are we going to have sex when we go home? Have we ever had sex with men? Will we make out for $5? What are these men thinking? Well… I suppose I have a pretty good idea what they are thinking, but that doesn’t give them free reign to project their sexual fantasies onto any two girls they see fit.

In the defense of these men, I think the straight women that make out with their girl friends for attention have indulged these fantasies and perpetuated the problem. A man offers her $5 and she climbs up on the table, grabs her gal pal, and starts the show. However, I don’t think it’s that hard to differentiate between straight girls vying for attention and lesbians just wanting to be like any other couple in the bar, even while intoxicated.

This poor male behavior isn’t unique to bars though. Deciding to openly walk hand in hand down the street with another woman has brought on a barrage of comments over the years; a man hollering how sexy we were from a business we’d just passed, or saying, “That’s hot!” as he slithered by. Is that really necessary?

I concede that this is much more desirable than people approaching me to share their disapproval, informing me that my sexual preference has reserved me a front-row seat in hell, but why can’t we just do our own thing without all the commentary? Why can’t gay couples be as publicly affectionate as straight couples and not be subjected to hearing a stranger’s opinion on the matter?

I’m not saying it can’t be discussed or brought up. I don't mind at all when the topic comes about naturally in conversation. It is understandable that you may feel more comfortable discussing your feelings for your roommate back in the college dorms with someone you just met that is gay, as opposed to your closest straight friends. I have also had many people tell me they have a gay aunt or they work with a few lesbians, etc. While I sometimes wonder why they feel it necessary to share such information, it is usually still within an understandable realm of relevance to the conversation. I've delved into some pretty in-depth discussions pertaining to sexuality with people I've just met that were quite enjoyable. But again, the subject came about naturally. What I really don’t care for is when a complete stranger approaches me to let me know his thoughts and feelings about my gayness.

I just wish people (predominantly men) would be a little more tactful when dealing with the subject. So if you’re tempted to approach a total stranger to assure her you are comfortable with her sexual preference, don’t.

How Gay Are You? The Sexuality Spectrum

image by: DUALSEVEN

Is your hair blond, black, or brown? Many of us would have a hard time choosing which color best describes our hair. Where would dirty blond go? Or gray? What box do the redheads check? A large number of us fall somewhere in between. Of course I acknowledge the need for simplification in unique situations. There isn't room on a driver's license for, "Dark brown with blond and hot pink streaks." But outside these special circumstances, we tend to shy away from these abridged characterizations because they are inadequate in describing reality. In fact, I think few things in life fit nicely inside those little boxes. Sexuality is a prime example of one of these tricky things to categorize.

Much like hair color, sexuality can be difficult to define or pinpoint. While I feel some people can simply say they are gay, straight, or bisexual, most people don’t fit so comfortably and easily inside one of those boxes. Sexuality, like many other things in life, is a spectrum or continuum. Some people fall at an extreme end, others, somewhere in the middle. For the sake of discussion, I have drawn a diagram to help explain my position.

image by: DUALSEVEN

Side note / Disclaimer: I think it is difficult to assess someone else’s number because feelings and emotions play a major role in a person’s sexuality. But again, for the sake of discussion, I will avoid delving too deeply into the emotional side of things in an attempt to demonstrate my point.

Someone who is a “0” on the spectrum would be not the least bit interested in someone of the same sex in an intimate way. Conversely, a person that is a “100” on the spectrum would be equally uninterested in someone of the opposite sex. In my experience, I have met very few people that would really be at one extreme end or the other. While it is easier and perhaps even necessary in discussion or conversation to “label” ourselves as being in one area of the spectrum or another, I think most people, if given the opportunity to think about it, would put themselves somewhere in between, not at an extreme end.

It has become increasingly popular for women to kiss each other for attention (something I intend address in a later post). In this day and age, chances are good that you, at the very least, know someone that has kissed a member of the same sex, if not having tried it yourself. Does this make that person (or you) gay? No. But I don’t think we can say they are completely straight either, since they could kiss someone of the same sex. What about men or women who “experiment”? If a woman ultimately prefers a male counterpart, but is interested in sexual exploration with women, she could be at, say, a 35 or 40 on the continuum; still on the straight side, but not an absolute. On the flip side, I know women who consider themselves to be lesbians, but they will still have sex with men. So are they straight? Bi? Perhaps they base the definition of their sexuality on their emotions rather than just on their physical interest.

So what about bisexuals? I have encountered many people that don’t believe that someone can truly be bi. They think a bisexual person is just “confused” or on their way to being gay. I had a friend tell me her psychology professor asserted that there is no such thing as being bisexual. Considering my position that sexuality is a spectrum and/or a continuum, I have to disagree. Just as there are very straight people and very gay people, inevitably, some people fall in the middle. I have met many people that have had meaningful relationships with both men and women; they truly don’t seem to have a preference. I have discussed this with a few of my bisexual friends and they all tell me that it isn’t about whether it is a man or woman, but just about who they are as a person, that they find attractive. Perhaps bisexuals are more evolved that those of us on one end or the other.

Admittedly though, some people are not truly textbook bisexual. Some really are just on layover to Gaytown or experimenting with their sexuality. The reality is, our sexuality can change. I certainly don’t think you are born with a number and that’s it for the rest of your life. Sexuality is not static, but rather very dynamic; even fluid. While I do think we each start out at specific spots along the spectrum, our surroundings, life experiences, culture, personality, social environment, etc, all play a part in how we ebb and flow along the continuum. Some people may only vary +/- 5 on the spectrum throughout their lifetime, while others may swing +/- 40 or more.

As with many things in life, sexuality can be incredibly difficult to define. This is not an attempt to change the way people define their sexuality, nor am I trying to provide another means by which to label someone. Lord, no. I just want to help people think outside the box.

image by: DUALSEVEN

Disclaimer

I feel as though it should be said that I am by no means an expert. I'm not the authority on all things gay. I don't have a degree in sociology or psychology. I have not studied the behaviors of homosexual rats in a laboratory. I can't spout off hundreds of facts or statistics from memory about gay rights, gay issues, biological research, or historical data. While some things here may be fact, much of what is to come is not something I read in a book, magazine, or web article, or anything stated by a world renowned researcher. I'm just a regular lesbian, living among many curious straight people and I thought I would try to offer some information and answers pulled from my own experience and from the experiences of those I've come in contact with. It is my opinion or my perception.

I would not be so bold as to presume I can enlighten you, but I hope to at least be able to open your mind just a little more than it was before.