How Gay Are You? The Sexuality Spectrum

image by: DUALSEVEN

Is your hair blond, black, or brown? Many of us would have a hard time choosing which color best describes our hair. Where would dirty blond go? Or gray? What box do the redheads check? A large number of us fall somewhere in between. Of course I acknowledge the need for simplification in unique situations. There isn't room on a driver's license for, "Dark brown with blond and hot pink streaks." But outside these special circumstances, we tend to shy away from these abridged characterizations because they are inadequate in describing reality. In fact, I think few things in life fit nicely inside those little boxes. Sexuality is a prime example of one of these tricky things to categorize.

Much like hair color, sexuality can be difficult to define or pinpoint. While I feel some people can simply say they are gay, straight, or bisexual, most people don’t fit so comfortably and easily inside one of those boxes. Sexuality, like many other things in life, is a spectrum or continuum. Some people fall at an extreme end, others, somewhere in the middle. For the sake of discussion, I have drawn a diagram to help explain my position.

image by: DUALSEVEN

Side note / Disclaimer: I think it is difficult to assess someone else’s number because feelings and emotions play a major role in a person’s sexuality. But again, for the sake of discussion, I will avoid delving too deeply into the emotional side of things in an attempt to demonstrate my point.

Someone who is a “0” on the spectrum would be not the least bit interested in someone of the same sex in an intimate way. Conversely, a person that is a “100” on the spectrum would be equally uninterested in someone of the opposite sex. In my experience, I have met very few people that would really be at one extreme end or the other. While it is easier and perhaps even necessary in discussion or conversation to “label” ourselves as being in one area of the spectrum or another, I think most people, if given the opportunity to think about it, would put themselves somewhere in between, not at an extreme end.

It has become increasingly popular for women to kiss each other for attention (something I intend address in a later post). In this day and age, chances are good that you, at the very least, know someone that has kissed a member of the same sex, if not having tried it yourself. Does this make that person (or you) gay? No. But I don’t think we can say they are completely straight either, since they could kiss someone of the same sex. What about men or women who “experiment”? If a woman ultimately prefers a male counterpart, but is interested in sexual exploration with women, she could be at, say, a 35 or 40 on the continuum; still on the straight side, but not an absolute. On the flip side, I know women who consider themselves to be lesbians, but they will still have sex with men. So are they straight? Bi? Perhaps they base the definition of their sexuality on their emotions rather than just on their physical interest.

So what about bisexuals? I have encountered many people that don’t believe that someone can truly be bi. They think a bisexual person is just “confused” or on their way to being gay. I had a friend tell me her psychology professor asserted that there is no such thing as being bisexual. Considering my position that sexuality is a spectrum and/or a continuum, I have to disagree. Just as there are very straight people and very gay people, inevitably, some people fall in the middle. I have met many people that have had meaningful relationships with both men and women; they truly don’t seem to have a preference. I have discussed this with a few of my bisexual friends and they all tell me that it isn’t about whether it is a man or woman, but just about who they are as a person, that they find attractive. Perhaps bisexuals are more evolved that those of us on one end or the other.

Admittedly though, some people are not truly textbook bisexual. Some really are just on layover to Gaytown or experimenting with their sexuality. The reality is, our sexuality can change. I certainly don’t think you are born with a number and that’s it for the rest of your life. Sexuality is not static, but rather very dynamic; even fluid. While I do think we each start out at specific spots along the spectrum, our surroundings, life experiences, culture, personality, social environment, etc, all play a part in how we ebb and flow along the continuum. Some people may only vary +/- 5 on the spectrum throughout their lifetime, while others may swing +/- 40 or more.

As with many things in life, sexuality can be incredibly difficult to define. This is not an attempt to change the way people define their sexuality, nor am I trying to provide another means by which to label someone. Lord, no. I just want to help people think outside the box.

image by: DUALSEVEN