A Strawberry Margarita, Bro? Are You Gay?

One night after waiting tables, some co-workers (2 men, 2 women) and I headed to our regular bar to unwind and enjoy each others company. When the bartender approached our table to get our order, one guy and one girl got beer, the other girl and I got mixed drinks, and Jeremy ordered a raspberry Kamikazee and a beer. After the bartender left to make our drinks, the girls began giving Jeremy a hard time for his order, saying it was gay. The teasing didn't last long and we moved on to other subjects.

The bartender returned a short while later but he forgot to make Jeremy's Kamikazee with the raspberry, so Jeremy kindly reminded him. He was barely able to finish getting the words out of his mouth when everyone at the table began badgering him for how gay that was. No one was giving him a hard time for wanting his drink fixed, but the fact that he wanted it raspberry flavored.

Jeremy took it in stride, as he always does. He's straight and secure with himself, so he joined in and joked about it with everyone. So I guess the whole thing was just harmless fun... at least I know that's how it was intended. But I think it just perpetuates ridiculous stereotypes.

This same group gave Jeremy a hard time on a separate occasion for ordering a lime with his Bud Light, saying that was also gay. So why is it gay with a Bud Light and not with a Corona? There is even a variety of Bud Light with the lime flavor already added (Bud Light Lime), but that's not gay.

So what's the deal?

Why does the addition of fruit or fruit flavor make something less suitable for a man's consumption? Do men not like fruit? Or is it because women like fruit? Surely a manly man can't possibly want to drink the same thing as a woman... or maybe those are just the dudes.

Sworn to Secrecy?

 I want to share my coming out story here at some point. But as I've thought about what to include and what is relevant, I've gotten sort of... stuck. The thing is, my story involves other people. Some of those people may not want any part of their lives broadcast on the internet... and it's unfortunately not as simple as just changing a few names. 

I have had a few relationships with “straight” women that were not known to the public on one level or another. Because these women see themselves as residing on the straight end of the spectrum or they decide they don’t want to be seen as gay – whatever – there was a need to keep the relationship under wraps at the time. This has had many troublesome aspects in and of itself, but an issue more relevant to this blog is how far do I go to protect the identities of these women? In some situations, it will be difficult to tell my story without possibly ‘outing’ someone. Where do I draw the line?

Should Religion Dictate Gay Marriage?

A brief preface: I single out the Mormon church in this post for two reasons; because of it’s members’ recent involvement in efforts to deny gays the right to marry (Cali’s prop 8), and because I was raised Mormon. I certainly do not want to convey that I think Mormons are the only religion opposed to gay marriage nor am I attempting to paint them as the root of the problem.

Gay marriage is a touchy subject for a lot of people. Religion seems to have the longest list of issues with the idea, which is fair. In 2008, proposition 8 was put forth to take away the rights of gays to marry in California. Members of the Mormon church (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints) donated more than $44 million to the cause¹. While I respect a person’s right to donate to whatever cause they see fit, I just have to ask, why? What do these people hope to accomplish by denying gay people the same rights? It’s certainly not stopping people from being gay. It is merely depriving a group of people the right to legally bind themselves to whomever they see fit – male or female.

A cornerstone of Mormon belief is the notion of free will; the agency to make our own choices. In the 1838, the Mormons were driven out of Missouri because of their actions, which were a direct result of their beliefs. They were forced to migrate westward to escape persecution and so they could practice their religion as they saw fit. Are Mormons of today forgetting that the ill-treatment of their ancestors was because they were different? Their own 11^th Article of Faith states:

We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may.

According to this, Mormons do believe I should be allowed the privilege to worship in any way I please, even if that means it contradicts what they believe.

So why can’t gay people be allowed the same rights? Why can’t we be afforded the same privilege to legally bind ourselves to whomever we choose, male or female? The freedom of religion gives you the right to exclude gay people from your “loving” community and deny them certain sacraments or privileges. It does not give you permission to deny the rights of others who do not share your beliefs.

I have yet to hear a valid reason for not allowing gays to legally marry that isn’t somehow founded in religious belief. While I respect your right to practice your religion and believe what you want to believe, you must also respect my right not to. I don’t have to believe or practice your religion, nor do I have to adhere to or be governed by it’s standards. There is supposed to be a separation of church and state². The idea of equality is that everyone, regardless of sex, religion, race, etc, is entitled to the same rights. So, as an American, I have the right to get married… but shouldn’t I be able to choose with whom I enter this commitment? Of course, you say, as long as it’s a man, you have the freedom to choose. Why are there stipulations for me because I am attracted to the same sex?

I’ve often heard the argument that to allow gay people to marry would destroy the sanctity of marriage. Destroy the sanctity of marriage? Why are gay couples held to a higher standard? Why not launch a campaign against Las Vegas wedding chapels with Elvis as the officiator? What about the ease with which a couple can divorce? If we are going to pick apart the sanctity of a union, shouldn’t we put straight couples under a microscope as well? Why do they get the green light just because they have the magic combination of one man and one woman? It does not automatically make a marriage more good or right or okay; It is not an indication of a more wholesome link between two people.

Let’s be brutally honest here for a minute. Doesn’t a lot of it have to do with the gross-out factor? You don’t get it, so it creeps you out and gives you the heebie-jeebies worse than that time you watched the neighbor’s kid eat that caterpillar. I know that’s how a lot of straight people feel about gay people (whether or not they are willing to admit it), because that’s how the straight thing makes me feel. Honestly. Okay, not seeing straight people kiss or be affectionate – clearly, since I’ve been exposed to this my entire life and because this is also the vast majority, I have become somewhat comfortable with this. But the idea of being at all sexual with a man has that same creep-out effect on me. It always has on some level (even while I was still dating men) and does much more now that I’m openly and exclusively gay. But yeah, eww. See? We’re not as different as you think! We both get grossed out at the idea of intimacy with one of the sexes. I’m just pretty far down the gay end of the spectrum, so perhaps people near the straight end are those that can relate to that icky feeling.

But here’s the thing… that icky feeling doesn’t mean it’s wrong for everyone. It just means it may not be right for you. We have acknowledged countless ways that every person is unique. We also have an amazing gift of freedom and a plethora of rights allowing us to express, even celebrate our uniqueness. It’s up to us to allow one another to do that to the fullest, whether or not it jives with our personal religious beliefs.

1- LA Times article

2- I say, “supposed to be” because I realize there are many areas where religion has wiggled in; In God We Trust on all US currency, …one nation, under God… in our country’s pledge of allegiance, …so help you God as an oath of honesty, to name a few

Get In on the Lingo

I'm big on clarification, so I have compiled a list of words I commonly use as slang. Others may use these words differently, and the dictionary will surely give you some other definition than I provide here, but this is how I use 'em... a little Deb lingo, if you will. More vocab will be added as the need arises. Take notes for the impending quiz.

Chick – Not all women are chicks. A male can be a chick. She could demonstrate any or all of the following behaviors:

• She has a tendency to over-analyze a situation. She over-thinks and dissects every tidbit, searching for something more than there is… essentially making something out of nothing.
• She is excessively emotional – far beyond an appropriate level, sometimes for attention.
• She has an insatiable hunger for attention from a significant other - needy.

Dude – Not all men are dudes. A female can be a dude. He could demonstrated any or all of the following behaviors:

• He is overly confident (even cocky) and goes to great efforts to prove himself to others. This inflated confidence often leads to a demonstration of his ignorance.
• He is constantly trying to prove how manly he is. He vehemently rejects anything considered to be remotely effeminate or “for women” (yes, women can behave this way.)
• He uses his physical strength to assert power over others (usually a man or woman perceived to be physically weaker), intimidate and/or belittle. He will usually be condescending toward those he perceives as weaker.

Filter – The figurative barrier between your thoughts and your words. Some things can cause the filter holes to get bigger, allowing more of your thoughts to get through (i.e. drinking, marijuana, sleep deprivation, etc).

Gay – Although this seems obvious (homosexual man), I usually use this term in a form synonymous with homosexual. I refer to myself and other women as gay… as well as men. I prefer to think of it as a non-gender-specific term. That’s just how I roll, baby.

Hook Up – Some form of sexual activity between two people, beyond mild hand traveling (touching).

Sassy – An intelligent and spirited remark or demeanor. Giving a little bit of attitude, but in a confident, clever way. Humor is often a crucial element to sass.

Spectrum – As pertaining to one’s sexuality (i.e. gay, straight, bisexual*). A continuum of sexuality ranging from completely straight to completely gay, with bisexuality at the half-way point. A person can reside anywhere along this continuum and his or her position can change or shift. For a more thorough explanation, go here: How Gay Are You? The Sexuality Spectrum

*This is certainly not exclusionary to transsexuals or transgenders… or any other form or label or category a person wants to put themselves into. The underlying principle and idea still applies.

A Reason Not to Drink?

photo credit: DUALSEVEN

I didn't start drinking until I was 25. I've had a range of reactions to people learning this out about me. It seems most people I talk to about this already had a decade of alcohol-ingesting experience under their belt by age 25. A small but notable percentage didn't start until ~23+, but it seems most people that didn't start in high school usually start in college or when they are 21¹. I digress. I do not feel as though I owe anyone an explanation as to why I waited until I was 25, but nevertheless, here it is:

I was raised Mormon (Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints), so drinking was always thought of as something to avoid, something not good, something that can eventually lead to alcoholism... you get the idea. After I left home for college, I began to question my beliefs (initiated, in part, by the knowledge I was gay). It took a few years, but I got to a point where I had decided being Mormon wasn't for me. My reason for not drinking had always been because I was Mormon, so when I wasn't anymore, I had to re-evaluate. 

Just because I hadn't been drinking all those years like many of my peers, didn't mean that I wasn't exposed to it. I went to parties in college, bars after I was 21, and social gatherings where everyone was drinking; I was fine with it, I just chose not to partake. It was easy to say no because I had always said no... but my reasons had changed. Over the years, I'd watch my friends do and say things they wouldn't normally do while sober. It would loosen them up. The filter lets all kinds of stuff through that wouldn't stand a chance if they weren't drunk. 

This concerned me. 

Not because I didn't like drunk behavior (it can be both annoying and endearing) but because I worried that it would have that same loosening effect on me. I was afraid I would act on the thoughts I'd always had about girls. What if I tried to kiss somebody? What if I said something or looked at somebody the wrong way? There was no way of knowing how sloppy and ineffective my filter would be if I drank.  I was terrified of anyone seeing the real me.

My need to stay in the closet was my reason not to drink. 

I finally came out about half-way through age 24. Finally my green light! But I still didn't drink. It had almost become a part of my identity. Everyone that knew me knew I didn't drink. It was rare that anyone even asked about it anymore. It was just who I was.   

Was. 

But coming out tends to change a person in ways you'd never imagine until it's happening. For me, that meant (and quite honestly still means) re-evaluating the most basic things about myself and deciding what is important to me now - the person I am now, not yesterday. So about a year after coming out, I finally drank. Not because of peer pressure, the need to be cool, some attempted escape from reality, curiosity, or a desire to widen my beverage repertoire, but because I was ready to put my old ideas aside. I knew I felt more comfortable in my own skin and I was becoming proud of and open with the gay aspect of myself. It was a way of me proving to myself that I wasn't so afraid of being me anymore. A way of facing that fear of being my real, honest self. If I got drunk and my filter let too much of my gayness out, it was okay. 

Let me be clear and say alcohol did not make me feel better about who I am. It was a means of making myself vulnerable and letting down my guard... and being okay with that. By no means am I suggesting alcohol is the answer to any problem or issue. That's not what it was about for me. It was about being willing to expose that part of myself that I'd worked so hard to hide my whole life. 

I don't have to be ashamed anymore.

1 - I, of course, acknowledge that there are many people who choose not to drink at all, ever.

The Missing Element

It has been an entire year since I posted on here last and much has happened and changed. Originally, I had intended to post things and thoughts in a more general, non-personal way in an attempt to not let my opinions and feelings get in the way. Admittedly, it was also a way of not having to make myself too vulnerable... to not expose too much of myself. I would have experiences, but I would try to remove some of the really personal thoughts or emotions tied to them. This made it increasingly difficult to come up with interesting topics or things to write about.

I have come to realize, however, is that the emotional or personal element is what others can identify with and hopefully find relevant. That was exactly what was missing. I want people (whether gay or not) to be able to understand, relate, empathize, and most importantly, connect. I still want to educate, rant, discuss, and just put some stuff out there, but with a bit more of the personal stuff - even though it makes me a bit nervous... okay, it terrifies me. And yet, here I am, continuing with this blog.

It's been said that the best way to overcome your fears is to face them. I couldn't agree more. It's time for me to face my fear of being vulnerable and looking foolish and just put it out there. Maybe it won't be as scary as I think it is...