A Strawberry Margarita, Bro? Are You Gay?

One night after waiting tables, some co-workers (2 men, 2 women) and I headed to our regular bar to unwind and enjoy each others company. When the bartender approached our table to get our order, one guy and one girl got beer, the other girl and I got mixed drinks, and Jeremy ordered a raspberry Kamikazee and a beer. After the bartender left to make our drinks, the girls began giving Jeremy a hard time for his order, saying it was gay. The teasing didn't last long and we moved on to other subjects.

The bartender returned a short while later but he forgot to make Jeremy's Kamikazee with the raspberry, so Jeremy kindly reminded him. He was barely able to finish getting the words out of his mouth when everyone at the table began badgering him for how gay that was. No one was giving him a hard time for wanting his drink fixed, but the fact that he wanted it raspberry flavored.

Jeremy took it in stride, as he always does. He's straight and secure with himself, so he joined in and joked about it with everyone. So I guess the whole thing was just harmless fun... at least I know that's how it was intended. But I think it just perpetuates ridiculous stereotypes.

This same group gave Jeremy a hard time on a separate occasion for ordering a lime with his Bud Light, saying that was also gay. So why is it gay with a Bud Light and not with a Corona? There is even a variety of Bud Light with the lime flavor already added (Bud Light Lime), but that's not gay.

So what's the deal?

Why does the addition of fruit or fruit flavor make something less suitable for a man's consumption? Do men not like fruit? Or is it because women like fruit? Surely a manly man can't possibly want to drink the same thing as a woman... or maybe those are just the dudes.

Sworn to Secrecy?

 I want to share my coming out story here at some point. But as I've thought about what to include and what is relevant, I've gotten sort of... stuck. The thing is, my story involves other people. Some of those people may not want any part of their lives broadcast on the internet... and it's unfortunately not as simple as just changing a few names. 

I have had a few relationships with “straight” women that were not known to the public on one level or another. Because these women see themselves as residing on the straight end of the spectrum or they decide they don’t want to be seen as gay – whatever – there was a need to keep the relationship under wraps at the time. This has had many troublesome aspects in and of itself, but an issue more relevant to this blog is how far do I go to protect the identities of these women? In some situations, it will be difficult to tell my story without possibly ‘outing’ someone. Where do I draw the line?

Should Religion Dictate Gay Marriage?

A brief preface: I single out the Mormon church in this post for two reasons; because of it’s members’ recent involvement in efforts to deny gays the right to marry (Cali’s prop 8), and because I was raised Mormon. I certainly do not want to convey that I think Mormons are the only religion opposed to gay marriage nor am I attempting to paint them as the root of the problem.

Gay marriage is a touchy subject for a lot of people. Religion seems to have the longest list of issues with the idea, which is fair. In 2008, proposition 8 was put forth to take away the rights of gays to marry in California. Members of the Mormon church (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints) donated more than $44 million to the cause¹. While I respect a person’s right to donate to whatever cause they see fit, I just have to ask, why? What do these people hope to accomplish by denying gay people the same rights? It’s certainly not stopping people from being gay. It is merely depriving a group of people the right to legally bind themselves to whomever they see fit – male or female.

A cornerstone of Mormon belief is the notion of free will; the agency to make our own choices. In the 1838, the Mormons were driven out of Missouri because of their actions, which were a direct result of their beliefs. They were forced to migrate westward to escape persecution and so they could practice their religion as they saw fit. Are Mormons of today forgetting that the ill-treatment of their ancestors was because they were different? Their own 11^th Article of Faith states:

We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may.

According to this, Mormons do believe I should be allowed the privilege to worship in any way I please, even if that means it contradicts what they believe.

So why can’t gay people be allowed the same rights? Why can’t we be afforded the same privilege to legally bind ourselves to whomever we choose, male or female? The freedom of religion gives you the right to exclude gay people from your “loving” community and deny them certain sacraments or privileges. It does not give you permission to deny the rights of others who do not share your beliefs.

I have yet to hear a valid reason for not allowing gays to legally marry that isn’t somehow founded in religious belief. While I respect your right to practice your religion and believe what you want to believe, you must also respect my right not to. I don’t have to believe or practice your religion, nor do I have to adhere to or be governed by it’s standards. There is supposed to be a separation of church and state². The idea of equality is that everyone, regardless of sex, religion, race, etc, is entitled to the same rights. So, as an American, I have the right to get married… but shouldn’t I be able to choose with whom I enter this commitment? Of course, you say, as long as it’s a man, you have the freedom to choose. Why are there stipulations for me because I am attracted to the same sex?

I’ve often heard the argument that to allow gay people to marry would destroy the sanctity of marriage. Destroy the sanctity of marriage? Why are gay couples held to a higher standard? Why not launch a campaign against Las Vegas wedding chapels with Elvis as the officiator? What about the ease with which a couple can divorce? If we are going to pick apart the sanctity of a union, shouldn’t we put straight couples under a microscope as well? Why do they get the green light just because they have the magic combination of one man and one woman? It does not automatically make a marriage more good or right or okay; It is not an indication of a more wholesome link between two people.

Let’s be brutally honest here for a minute. Doesn’t a lot of it have to do with the gross-out factor? You don’t get it, so it creeps you out and gives you the heebie-jeebies worse than that time you watched the neighbor’s kid eat that caterpillar. I know that’s how a lot of straight people feel about gay people (whether or not they are willing to admit it), because that’s how the straight thing makes me feel. Honestly. Okay, not seeing straight people kiss or be affectionate – clearly, since I’ve been exposed to this my entire life and because this is also the vast majority, I have become somewhat comfortable with this. But the idea of being at all sexual with a man has that same creep-out effect on me. It always has on some level (even while I was still dating men) and does much more now that I’m openly and exclusively gay. But yeah, eww. See? We’re not as different as you think! We both get grossed out at the idea of intimacy with one of the sexes. I’m just pretty far down the gay end of the spectrum, so perhaps people near the straight end are those that can relate to that icky feeling.

But here’s the thing… that icky feeling doesn’t mean it’s wrong for everyone. It just means it may not be right for you. We have acknowledged countless ways that every person is unique. We also have an amazing gift of freedom and a plethora of rights allowing us to express, even celebrate our uniqueness. It’s up to us to allow one another to do that to the fullest, whether or not it jives with our personal religious beliefs.

1- LA Times article

2- I say, “supposed to be” because I realize there are many areas where religion has wiggled in; In God We Trust on all US currency, …one nation, under God… in our country’s pledge of allegiance, …so help you God as an oath of honesty, to name a few

Get In on the Lingo

I'm big on clarification, so I have compiled a list of words I commonly use as slang. Others may use these words differently, and the dictionary will surely give you some other definition than I provide here, but this is how I use 'em... a little Deb lingo, if you will. More vocab will be added as the need arises. Take notes for the impending quiz.

Chick – Not all women are chicks. A male can be a chick. She could demonstrate any or all of the following behaviors:

• She has a tendency to over-analyze a situation. She over-thinks and dissects every tidbit, searching for something more than there is… essentially making something out of nothing.
• She is excessively emotional – far beyond an appropriate level, sometimes for attention.
• She has an insatiable hunger for attention from a significant other - needy.

Dude – Not all men are dudes. A female can be a dude. He could demonstrated any or all of the following behaviors:

• He is overly confident (even cocky) and goes to great efforts to prove himself to others. This inflated confidence often leads to a demonstration of his ignorance.
• He is constantly trying to prove how manly he is. He vehemently rejects anything considered to be remotely effeminate or “for women” (yes, women can behave this way.)
• He uses his physical strength to assert power over others (usually a man or woman perceived to be physically weaker), intimidate and/or belittle. He will usually be condescending toward those he perceives as weaker.

Filter – The figurative barrier between your thoughts and your words. Some things can cause the filter holes to get bigger, allowing more of your thoughts to get through (i.e. drinking, marijuana, sleep deprivation, etc).

Gay – Although this seems obvious (homosexual man), I usually use this term in a form synonymous with homosexual. I refer to myself and other women as gay… as well as men. I prefer to think of it as a non-gender-specific term. That’s just how I roll, baby.

Hook Up – Some form of sexual activity between two people, beyond mild hand traveling (touching).

Sassy – An intelligent and spirited remark or demeanor. Giving a little bit of attitude, but in a confident, clever way. Humor is often a crucial element to sass.

Spectrum – As pertaining to one’s sexuality (i.e. gay, straight, bisexual*). A continuum of sexuality ranging from completely straight to completely gay, with bisexuality at the half-way point. A person can reside anywhere along this continuum and his or her position can change or shift. For a more thorough explanation, go here: How Gay Are You? The Sexuality Spectrum

*This is certainly not exclusionary to transsexuals or transgenders… or any other form or label or category a person wants to put themselves into. The underlying principle and idea still applies.

A Reason Not to Drink?

photo credit: DUALSEVEN

I didn't start drinking until I was 25. I've had a range of reactions to people learning this out about me. It seems most people I talk to about this already had a decade of alcohol-ingesting experience under their belt by age 25. A small but notable percentage didn't start until ~23+, but it seems most people that didn't start in high school usually start in college or when they are 21¹. I digress. I do not feel as though I owe anyone an explanation as to why I waited until I was 25, but nevertheless, here it is:

I was raised Mormon (Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints), so drinking was always thought of as something to avoid, something not good, something that can eventually lead to alcoholism... you get the idea. After I left home for college, I began to question my beliefs (initiated, in part, by the knowledge I was gay). It took a few years, but I got to a point where I had decided being Mormon wasn't for me. My reason for not drinking had always been because I was Mormon, so when I wasn't anymore, I had to re-evaluate. 

Just because I hadn't been drinking all those years like many of my peers, didn't mean that I wasn't exposed to it. I went to parties in college, bars after I was 21, and social gatherings where everyone was drinking; I was fine with it, I just chose not to partake. It was easy to say no because I had always said no... but my reasons had changed. Over the years, I'd watch my friends do and say things they wouldn't normally do while sober. It would loosen them up. The filter lets all kinds of stuff through that wouldn't stand a chance if they weren't drunk. 

This concerned me. 

Not because I didn't like drunk behavior (it can be both annoying and endearing) but because I worried that it would have that same loosening effect on me. I was afraid I would act on the thoughts I'd always had about girls. What if I tried to kiss somebody? What if I said something or looked at somebody the wrong way? There was no way of knowing how sloppy and ineffective my filter would be if I drank.  I was terrified of anyone seeing the real me.

My need to stay in the closet was my reason not to drink. 

I finally came out about half-way through age 24. Finally my green light! But I still didn't drink. It had almost become a part of my identity. Everyone that knew me knew I didn't drink. It was rare that anyone even asked about it anymore. It was just who I was.   

Was. 

But coming out tends to change a person in ways you'd never imagine until it's happening. For me, that meant (and quite honestly still means) re-evaluating the most basic things about myself and deciding what is important to me now - the person I am now, not yesterday. So about a year after coming out, I finally drank. Not because of peer pressure, the need to be cool, some attempted escape from reality, curiosity, or a desire to widen my beverage repertoire, but because I was ready to put my old ideas aside. I knew I felt more comfortable in my own skin and I was becoming proud of and open with the gay aspect of myself. It was a way of me proving to myself that I wasn't so afraid of being me anymore. A way of facing that fear of being my real, honest self. If I got drunk and my filter let too much of my gayness out, it was okay. 

Let me be clear and say alcohol did not make me feel better about who I am. It was a means of making myself vulnerable and letting down my guard... and being okay with that. By no means am I suggesting alcohol is the answer to any problem or issue. That's not what it was about for me. It was about being willing to expose that part of myself that I'd worked so hard to hide my whole life. 

I don't have to be ashamed anymore.

1 - I, of course, acknowledge that there are many people who choose not to drink at all, ever.

The Missing Element

It has been an entire year since I posted on here last and much has happened and changed. Originally, I had intended to post things and thoughts in a more general, non-personal way in an attempt to not let my opinions and feelings get in the way. Admittedly, it was also a way of not having to make myself too vulnerable... to not expose too much of myself. I would have experiences, but I would try to remove some of the really personal thoughts or emotions tied to them. This made it increasingly difficult to come up with interesting topics or things to write about.

I have come to realize, however, is that the emotional or personal element is what others can identify with and hopefully find relevant. That was exactly what was missing. I want people (whether gay or not) to be able to understand, relate, empathize, and most importantly, connect. I still want to educate, rant, discuss, and just put some stuff out there, but with a bit more of the personal stuff - even though it makes me a bit nervous... okay, it terrifies me. And yet, here I am, continuing with this blog.

It's been said that the best way to overcome your fears is to face them. I couldn't agree more. It's time for me to face my fear of being vulnerable and looking foolish and just put it out there. Maybe it won't be as scary as I think it is...

Coming Out

Most gay people have not been out (publicly gay) their entire lives. I haven’t met many openly gay 9 year-olds. This is not to say there aren’t any gay 9 year-olds; I think there absolutely are. I think they are either not ready to disclose their homosexuality or they may not even be aware of it yet.

I have always known I was gay, as far back as I can remember. I may not have understood it in those terms or known exactly what it meant, but I knew I liked girls and I wasn’t supposed to. I’ve met others that didn’t become aware of their same-sex attraction until much later in life. Some don’t realize it until after they get married and have children. Either way, there is often (not always) a point when a gay person decides to make their homosexuality somewhat public. This is what it means to “come out of the closet."

I have yet to meet a homosexual that doesn’t remember the first person they told they were gay. It is a major life event that can conjure up a range of emotions: fear, excitement, joy, frustration, confusion, terror, exhilaration… the list goes on and on. Coming out is hard, admittedly not for everyone, but for most. I think many people that aren’t close to a gay person may not realize that. It is a difficult, significant, scary, enormous, life altering declaration for so many.

There are also people that know they are gay, but choose not to be out. They have decided it would be “easier” to just live the straight life because of the upheaval coming out would cause or they don’t want to deal with the struggles that can come with being openly gay. They stay in the closet. Can you imagine what that must feel like? To know you are gay, but you feel as though you have to hide it and repress it.


…to those still in the closet:

It shouldn’t come as any surprise that I would encourage you to come out. While I know it can be extremely difficult for a plethora of reasons, I think we do ourselves and others a great disservice be not being who we really are, in any and every aspect of life, sexuality or otherwise. I do realize that every situation is unique and sometimes, we can’t just be who we really are for one reason or another. For you, I empathize. I hope you can eventually get to a place where you feel comfortable and safe enough to take that first step. It may not seem like it, and it may take a while, but it will get better and easier.


…to those who know someone (or think they know someone) still in the closet:

It is neither your place nor your responsibility to out anyone. If someone wants to stay in the closet, that’s their prerogative. While you feel it might help them to talk about it, they may not want or be ready to. Just keep an open mind, be supportive, and let that person know you will be there for them.

Don't Talk to Strangers... About Their Sexual Preference

The other night, I went out with some lesbian friends to a straight bar in downtown Salt Lake City. Karaoke was in full swing and the place was pretty packed. I was in mid-conversation with one of my friends when a short, muscley man barged in and interrupted without apology. He threw his arm around my shoulder as though we were old college buddies and proceeded to tell me how he didn’t have a problem that I was gay. He asked if the girl I was talking to was my girlfriend, to which I answered, no. He slurred, “Hey, its okay! I really don’t care. I have no problem with it at all. I think you should just do what you want and that’s fine with me!” Thanks, buddy. I’m glad I have your stamp of approval.

What if I walked up to someone and said, “Hey, I’m totally cool with the fact that you’re Asian. I actually really like Asian people. I lived next door to an Asian kid when I was 6, so I am A-OK with Asians!” I’d probably get a death look or a punch in the face.

About an hour after my new, gay-friendly, muscley buddy went on his way, another dude approached that also felt the need to express his approval of our lifestyle. He rambled on about how women are beautiful and he couldn’t blame us for being attracted to them. Was this a crazy coincidence? Two lesbian-loving men in the same bar… on the same night? Hardly. These kinds of things actually happen quite often.

On numerous occasions when I was out and about in the Phoenix area with my then girlfriend, we would have random men approach us and ask all kinds of totally inappropriate questions: Are we really lesbians or are we just pretending? Could they take a picture of us or with us? Are we going to have sex when we go home? Have we ever had sex with men? Will we make out for $5? What are these men thinking? Well… I suppose I have a pretty good idea what they are thinking, but that doesn’t give them free reign to project their sexual fantasies onto any two girls they see fit.

In the defense of these men, I think the straight women that make out with their girl friends for attention have indulged these fantasies and perpetuated the problem. A man offers her $5 and she climbs up on the table, grabs her gal pal, and starts the show. However, I don’t think it’s that hard to differentiate between straight girls vying for attention and lesbians just wanting to be like any other couple in the bar, even while intoxicated.

This poor male behavior isn’t unique to bars though. Deciding to openly walk hand in hand down the street with another woman has brought on a barrage of comments over the years; a man hollering how sexy we were from a business we’d just passed, or saying, “That’s hot!” as he slithered by. Is that really necessary?

I concede that this is much more desirable than people approaching me to share their disapproval, informing me that my sexual preference has reserved me a front-row seat in hell, but why can’t we just do our own thing without all the commentary? Why can’t gay couples be as publicly affectionate as straight couples and not be subjected to hearing a stranger’s opinion on the matter?

I’m not saying it can’t be discussed or brought up. I don't mind at all when the topic comes about naturally in conversation. It is understandable that you may feel more comfortable discussing your feelings for your roommate back in the college dorms with someone you just met that is gay, as opposed to your closest straight friends. I have also had many people tell me they have a gay aunt or they work with a few lesbians, etc. While I sometimes wonder why they feel it necessary to share such information, it is usually still within an understandable realm of relevance to the conversation. I've delved into some pretty in-depth discussions pertaining to sexuality with people I've just met that were quite enjoyable. But again, the subject came about naturally. What I really don’t care for is when a complete stranger approaches me to let me know his thoughts and feelings about my gayness.

I just wish people (predominantly men) would be a little more tactful when dealing with the subject. So if you’re tempted to approach a total stranger to assure her you are comfortable with her sexual preference, don’t.

How Gay Are You? The Sexuality Spectrum

image by: DUALSEVEN

Is your hair blond, black, or brown? Many of us would have a hard time choosing which color best describes our hair. Where would dirty blond go? Or gray? What box do the redheads check? A large number of us fall somewhere in between. Of course I acknowledge the need for simplification in unique situations. There isn't room on a driver's license for, "Dark brown with blond and hot pink streaks." But outside these special circumstances, we tend to shy away from these abridged characterizations because they are inadequate in describing reality. In fact, I think few things in life fit nicely inside those little boxes. Sexuality is a prime example of one of these tricky things to categorize.

Much like hair color, sexuality can be difficult to define or pinpoint. While I feel some people can simply say they are gay, straight, or bisexual, most people don’t fit so comfortably and easily inside one of those boxes. Sexuality, like many other things in life, is a spectrum or continuum. Some people fall at an extreme end, others, somewhere in the middle. For the sake of discussion, I have drawn a diagram to help explain my position.

image by: DUALSEVEN

Side note / Disclaimer: I think it is difficult to assess someone else’s number because feelings and emotions play a major role in a person’s sexuality. But again, for the sake of discussion, I will avoid delving too deeply into the emotional side of things in an attempt to demonstrate my point.

Someone who is a “0” on the spectrum would be not the least bit interested in someone of the same sex in an intimate way. Conversely, a person that is a “100” on the spectrum would be equally uninterested in someone of the opposite sex. In my experience, I have met very few people that would really be at one extreme end or the other. While it is easier and perhaps even necessary in discussion or conversation to “label” ourselves as being in one area of the spectrum or another, I think most people, if given the opportunity to think about it, would put themselves somewhere in between, not at an extreme end.

It has become increasingly popular for women to kiss each other for attention (something I intend address in a later post). In this day and age, chances are good that you, at the very least, know someone that has kissed a member of the same sex, if not having tried it yourself. Does this make that person (or you) gay? No. But I don’t think we can say they are completely straight either, since they could kiss someone of the same sex. What about men or women who “experiment”? If a woman ultimately prefers a male counterpart, but is interested in sexual exploration with women, she could be at, say, a 35 or 40 on the continuum; still on the straight side, but not an absolute. On the flip side, I know women who consider themselves to be lesbians, but they will still have sex with men. So are they straight? Bi? Perhaps they base the definition of their sexuality on their emotions rather than just on their physical interest.

So what about bisexuals? I have encountered many people that don’t believe that someone can truly be bi. They think a bisexual person is just “confused” or on their way to being gay. I had a friend tell me her psychology professor asserted that there is no such thing as being bisexual. Considering my position that sexuality is a spectrum and/or a continuum, I have to disagree. Just as there are very straight people and very gay people, inevitably, some people fall in the middle. I have met many people that have had meaningful relationships with both men and women; they truly don’t seem to have a preference. I have discussed this with a few of my bisexual friends and they all tell me that it isn’t about whether it is a man or woman, but just about who they are as a person, that they find attractive. Perhaps bisexuals are more evolved that those of us on one end or the other.

Admittedly though, some people are not truly textbook bisexual. Some really are just on layover to Gaytown or experimenting with their sexuality. The reality is, our sexuality can change. I certainly don’t think you are born with a number and that’s it for the rest of your life. Sexuality is not static, but rather very dynamic; even fluid. While I do think we each start out at specific spots along the spectrum, our surroundings, life experiences, culture, personality, social environment, etc, all play a part in how we ebb and flow along the continuum. Some people may only vary +/- 5 on the spectrum throughout their lifetime, while others may swing +/- 40 or more.

As with many things in life, sexuality can be incredibly difficult to define. This is not an attempt to change the way people define their sexuality, nor am I trying to provide another means by which to label someone. Lord, no. I just want to help people think outside the box.

image by: DUALSEVEN

Disclaimer

I feel as though it should be said that I am by no means an expert. I'm not the authority on all things gay. I don't have a degree in sociology or psychology. I have not studied the behaviors of homosexual rats in a laboratory. I can't spout off hundreds of facts or statistics from memory about gay rights, gay issues, biological research, or historical data. While some things here may be fact, much of what is to come is not something I read in a book, magazine, or web article, or anything stated by a world renowned researcher. I'm just a regular lesbian, living among many curious straight people and I thought I would try to offer some information and answers pulled from my own experience and from the experiences of those I've come in contact with. It is my opinion or my perception.

I would not be so bold as to presume I can enlighten you, but I hope to at least be able to open your mind just a little more than it was before.