Don't Talk to Strangers... About Their Sexual Preference

The other night, I went out with some lesbian friends to a straight bar in downtown Salt Lake City. Karaoke was in full swing and the place was pretty packed. I was in mid-conversation with one of my friends when a short, muscley man barged in and interrupted without apology. He threw his arm around my shoulder as though we were old college buddies and proceeded to tell me how he didn’t have a problem that I was gay. He asked if the girl I was talking to was my girlfriend, to which I answered, no. He slurred, “Hey, its okay! I really don’t care. I have no problem with it at all. I think you should just do what you want and that’s fine with me!” Thanks, buddy. I’m glad I have your stamp of approval.

What if I walked up to someone and said, “Hey, I’m totally cool with the fact that you’re Asian. I actually really like Asian people. I lived next door to an Asian kid when I was 6, so I am A-OK with Asians!” I’d probably get a death look or a punch in the face.

About an hour after my new, gay-friendly, muscley buddy went on his way, another dude approached that also felt the need to express his approval of our lifestyle. He rambled on about how women are beautiful and he couldn’t blame us for being attracted to them. Was this a crazy coincidence? Two lesbian-loving men in the same bar… on the same night? Hardly. These kinds of things actually happen quite often.

On numerous occasions when I was out and about in the Phoenix area with my then girlfriend, we would have random men approach us and ask all kinds of totally inappropriate questions: Are we really lesbians or are we just pretending? Could they take a picture of us or with us? Are we going to have sex when we go home? Have we ever had sex with men? Will we make out for $5? What are these men thinking? Well… I suppose I have a pretty good idea what they are thinking, but that doesn’t give them free reign to project their sexual fantasies onto any two girls they see fit.

In the defense of these men, I think the straight women that make out with their girl friends for attention have indulged these fantasies and perpetuated the problem. A man offers her $5 and she climbs up on the table, grabs her gal pal, and starts the show. However, I don’t think it’s that hard to differentiate between straight girls vying for attention and lesbians just wanting to be like any other couple in the bar, even while intoxicated.

This poor male behavior isn’t unique to bars though. Deciding to openly walk hand in hand down the street with another woman has brought on a barrage of comments over the years; a man hollering how sexy we were from a business we’d just passed, or saying, “That’s hot!” as he slithered by. Is that really necessary?

I concede that this is much more desirable than people approaching me to share their disapproval, informing me that my sexual preference has reserved me a front-row seat in hell, but why can’t we just do our own thing without all the commentary? Why can’t gay couples be as publicly affectionate as straight couples and not be subjected to hearing a stranger’s opinion on the matter?

I’m not saying it can’t be discussed or brought up. I don't mind at all when the topic comes about naturally in conversation. It is understandable that you may feel more comfortable discussing your feelings for your roommate back in the college dorms with someone you just met that is gay, as opposed to your closest straight friends. I have also had many people tell me they have a gay aunt or they work with a few lesbians, etc. While I sometimes wonder why they feel it necessary to share such information, it is usually still within an understandable realm of relevance to the conversation. I've delved into some pretty in-depth discussions pertaining to sexuality with people I've just met that were quite enjoyable. But again, the subject came about naturally. What I really don’t care for is when a complete stranger approaches me to let me know his thoughts and feelings about my gayness.

I just wish people (predominantly men) would be a little more tactful when dealing with the subject. So if you’re tempted to approach a total stranger to assure her you are comfortable with her sexual preference, don’t.