A Reason Not to Drink?

photo credit: DUALSEVEN

I didn't start drinking until I was 25. I've had a range of reactions to people learning this out about me. It seems most people I talk to about this already had a decade of alcohol-ingesting experience under their belt by age 25. A small but notable percentage didn't start until ~23+, but it seems most people that didn't start in high school usually start in college or when they are 21¹. I digress. I do not feel as though I owe anyone an explanation as to why I waited until I was 25, but nevertheless, here it is:

I was raised Mormon (Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints), so drinking was always thought of as something to avoid, something not good, something that can eventually lead to alcoholism... you get the idea. After I left home for college, I began to question my beliefs (initiated, in part, by the knowledge I was gay). It took a few years, but I got to a point where I had decided being Mormon wasn't for me. My reason for not drinking had always been because I was Mormon, so when I wasn't anymore, I had to re-evaluate. 

Just because I hadn't been drinking all those years like many of my peers, didn't mean that I wasn't exposed to it. I went to parties in college, bars after I was 21, and social gatherings where everyone was drinking; I was fine with it, I just chose not to partake. It was easy to say no because I had always said no... but my reasons had changed. Over the years, I'd watch my friends do and say things they wouldn't normally do while sober. It would loosen them up. The filter lets all kinds of stuff through that wouldn't stand a chance if they weren't drunk. 

This concerned me. 

Not because I didn't like drunk behavior (it can be both annoying and endearing) but because I worried that it would have that same loosening effect on me. I was afraid I would act on the thoughts I'd always had about girls. What if I tried to kiss somebody? What if I said something or looked at somebody the wrong way? There was no way of knowing how sloppy and ineffective my filter would be if I drank.  I was terrified of anyone seeing the real me.

My need to stay in the closet was my reason not to drink. 

I finally came out about half-way through age 24. Finally my green light! But I still didn't drink. It had almost become a part of my identity. Everyone that knew me knew I didn't drink. It was rare that anyone even asked about it anymore. It was just who I was.   

Was. 

But coming out tends to change a person in ways you'd never imagine until it's happening. For me, that meant (and quite honestly still means) re-evaluating the most basic things about myself and deciding what is important to me now - the person I am now, not yesterday. So about a year after coming out, I finally drank. Not because of peer pressure, the need to be cool, some attempted escape from reality, curiosity, or a desire to widen my beverage repertoire, but because I was ready to put my old ideas aside. I knew I felt more comfortable in my own skin and I was becoming proud of and open with the gay aspect of myself. It was a way of me proving to myself that I wasn't so afraid of being me anymore. A way of facing that fear of being my real, honest self. If I got drunk and my filter let too much of my gayness out, it was okay. 

Let me be clear and say alcohol did not make me feel better about who I am. It was a means of making myself vulnerable and letting down my guard... and being okay with that. By no means am I suggesting alcohol is the answer to any problem or issue. That's not what it was about for me. It was about being willing to expose that part of myself that I'd worked so hard to hide my whole life. 

I don't have to be ashamed anymore.

1 - I, of course, acknowledge that there are many people who choose not to drink at all, ever.